It's all ReWriTten...

DBSK - Love in the Ice

I never really read the lyrics, but I feel like I know them anyways.
"If I could hug you one last time"... from what my heart hears.. that's what I think ~_~;;

Time goes by ykno.
Now it's May. The things we do today are the things we end up already done yesterday if not the things we do tomorrow. The present is the past or if not the future.. if I make any sense.. haha.

This summer, I have only a few things going on. For one, I hate summer, so the least I get out of the house.. the better ~_~;; Too hot for me T_T;; I have made a resolution for this summer tho!

- Draw
- Paint
- Online summer classes
- Lecture every Monday 5-6

And I thought bout my life somewhat. I don't know what I'm going to do with it, but make the better of it. School is not that far from my grasp but other things are.. like my ex. I'd say let the past be the past. I've been one hella of a sucky gf and I guess in the end, I deserved it. The fact that he doesn't want to even cling to me means he's over me. There's no point. He's grown up, while I'm still growing. Soem things I don't wish to think, but when I sit down here, I reflect a lot. This is what they call in psychology "free association," just talking or writing without any stop.. well in my case, any stop is because of grammer problems or typos haha. but I type fast enough anyways.. does that matter?

SIGHS*

This summer, I'm truly going to be alone. Well it's okay. I started to feel that I wasn't being appreciated or respected for a while, especially with the kids. I mean like maybe I sound ridiculous, but I come in cuz I said I would every week, I get the "Oh I didn't know you were coming." and I told her that I would bring stuff for next week, and she polishes me off saying "We doing something else," so why waste my time bringing stuff over. I hate to say it, but I'm not free, but I try my best to be free. Maybe this sounds very my school motto like "I'm from here, I deserve something." that ideal of that I'm entitled something. I don't know. I just feel like I'm not respected or appreciated for all the times I've been throwing away just to spend it with the kids only to be put in the corner and be looked at as nobody anymore. Maybe it's my self-esteem or something. But in the end, I don't feel respected. not at all. I do all these things just to spend it with you guys and make you guys happy, why can't you guys do the same for me. Give me the same respect and attention. Makes me wonder if I should even bother next semester. If there is any consideration, that's me. Always been me. Do they know that I deliberately shifted around my Thursday classes at that evening just to come back to visit them? Even if it's my block with my friends that I have to deliberately move out of? Do they know that I can't even take a Thursday class cuz every Thursday morning I have rush back to Brooklyn just to get ready to come over and visit? Every time I walk up that 7th ave block, I get stares just because I'm coming back to visit? I'm not in H.S. anymore, I don't want to do this anymore. My only reason to come back is for the kids because I love them and only hope that they love me too as grandpa, daddy, or king. Whichever. But I already lost my control, so I'm tired. What's my point. They probably even forgot the reason why I'm even there. Forget it. Now I truly understand why my dad told me to stop visit h.s. because they are your "h.s. friends" they will forget you. Just forget it. I try this hard for what? The seniors act like they know it all, so let them know it all. I'm in a different world. Let that just be.. that....

My own motto goes.. "If you don't give any effort to be my friend, then I'm not yours." I'm tired of always being the one bending back and forth. How hard I try, for what? For failure relationships? For failure school grades? For a fail life? Sick of it all, I need to take a break from it all. That's why I'm going to be alone. And it' for the best. I need to be in my own world. I can't care about you all anymore cuz that's what I always do, and for what happens in the end? My concern doesn't matter. My presence doesn't even matter anymore. So forget it, only one I should care is myself. That's all I gotta say for today as for going with reflection. lol.

Um.. well lately with my life.. besides school ending. I haven't been doing anything else. Monday I came in early just to give in my final piece. I showed one friend, he said it was real good. One friend said "it's okay" but I spent 2 hours and possibily 30 minute more on it, it's not just "okay" or else I'm just an "okay" illustrator which I probably am. but I did a shitload better than the others who only put rubs and scrubs on a piece of paper. oh my bad. 18x24. so angry worded today lol wonder why

then on wednesday came in to hand in painting. i'm such a messy painter T_T; sighs* i want to get better, the end. :T

as for now, i got nothing else to do. no job. which is why i'm going to ask banchou to give me some work. i know I haven't been around cuz I've been in my own world.. but i should work ykno.. anyways it's 10. so i should roll around. oh btw. i've been cooking lately haha. tho i don't know if making spaghetti and baked ziti for the first time consider cooking ~_~; cooking imo means actually making things.. not spaghetti or baked ziti. cooking ish like a dish that is fried and chopped and all that stuff :D so yeah ^_^; i can't cook >_>;;

*is listening to Epik High - One*

oh the epik of the high.. i wish I could go to their concert, but it's too late. Friend has been like "I'm poor. I'm very poor." so forget it. T_T; i don't feel like talking bout it that much and well it's this week, too late to get tickets anyways. it's all standing ;___;! don't wanna stand for too long psftt *too lazy*

anyways i go dl nintendo rom games for my ds XD it's funny how three of us in the community got ds's LOL all around this year or same time around la. I'm like the last one tho T_T; meek

- inn0-chin

i typed this nice ass essay of something and LJ just deleted it by going back and when i went forward, all my shit was gone.

FU LJ ! =_=;
and i was all emotional too
FU!

i'm starting to lose my appetite like really badly.
I was busy on the channel argueing, talking, whichever.
Slept at 3:45 AM around about.
5 tissues.
1 spotted pink.
The day I wake up dead is the day I will be the happiest.


I haven't felt hungry in a while.
I think I'm losing my appetite really badly.
Now that I have access PHYSICALLY to the kitchen, I'm going to heat up a pizza..
man.. the pizza at Knapps have gotten worser T_T;
there's so much sauce that the cheese just SLIDES OFF
like wtf? since when did they get so bad that the cheese falls off?! =___=;
and it's like what? 3:52 PM? lol
Not as bad as the time when I didn't eat all day until it was 6 PM.
Just been doing homework or thinking a lot.

Tomorrow is the return of school and shit, I didn't finish all my homwork.
ORZ!

Well i'm doing photoshop atm. I would post snippets of them but it's just so much work D:
And with LJ just being a bitch to me moments ago D: I don't think I feel like it now D:
SObS* lol

MY LIFE:
HOMEWORK
MY TRAGIC LOVE STORY
MY EMOTIONAL MENTALITY
AND
MY DEPRESSION

and well.. to my dear
happy late supposedly 6th month anniversary.
it just makes ur world spin, doesn't it?


- Ji Ann

I have computer addiction.

orz.

I can't leave the computer if it's on so i have to turn it off T_T;

so I decided to notetake my psychology stuff since ihaven't done that recently.. and well this is just the best way to screw myself over with a 40% worth on the final exam orz it's only 10 chapters.. 30 pages each. but since i haven't taken notes since chapter 1.. i got 90 pages to do. ain't that just LOVELY~! lol i'll get to it soon =_=; i don't plan on sleeping until it's 3 AM and hopefully i was able to notetake bout 60 pages or less or more ~_~; i just want something ykno T_T;; SOMETHING orz

thankful as i was on monday that it snowed in NYC and mad windy mad chilly and mad snow lol.. thankful. it was like up to my ankles >_>;; i wore my mom's timb boots with my eskimo pjs and two layers of sweater and headed out in the snowstorm LOL crazy don't u think? first of all, snow got into my ankles so orz and then yeah i was cold =-=;; pjs ? LOL anybody think i was crazy but basically i went outside to dust down the lexus. my dad was going out to buy stuff nd there was a bunch of snow on the car. funny how we got it like.. when we decide to go to the car wash and wash it down and make it all clean... IT SNOWS LOL well it's okay =_=;; i think that was the last snowfall.. cuz it's going to be 60 degrees tomorrow oh my. that's spring right there LOL it's march already anyways =_=;;

so yeah.. school got cancelled thank god, but i woke up at 5 AM and went STRAIGHT to my laptop and was like.. *checking log-in for FIT email* '-'... there's no email saying no school orz so i went to shower. came out and was like "fuck.. do i really got trample thru all that outside? that's kinda ridiculous ykno" so i went and picked out an outfit. took me half an hour. so it's like what.. 6 AM.. i check my email again before i go pick something to eat and then i get an e-mail from Student Affairs.. "School is closed and all classes are cancelled due to weather." i was like WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUHHHHHHHHHHHhAAAAAAAAHUHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhh and everything '-' idealistically, i shud've went back to bed, but i didn't do that LOL i was too happy for hours.. >_>;; bad choice imo lol but it's okay T_T;; and it really sucked too cuz i get that like 6 AM in the morning while everybody else already knew they didn't have to go to school last night .. sobs*

and well yeah. so this friday... emmerick's final project was due and apparently.. NOBODY SLEPT MUCH or just.. didn't sleep at all T_T;; it was kinda funny lol... so many people had bags under their eyes x_o;; even i only had 3-3.5 hours of sleep orz but we all got it done, so good job General Ilustration Block 2! :D now let's cry when he gives us sth else on monday orz

well anyways life is peachy. i slept yesterday at 10:30 i believe and woke up at 8:30 so that's like 10 hours. i woke up. read some pysch then my dad woke up and left so i went to take a shower. then i made some more ugly sushi. the cucumber got slimey '-' so i threw it out.. the avocado got hard '-' so i threw it out after i tried microwaving it so it'd get softer.. yeah.. it just got hotter =__=;; so what a waste. i just used shrimp and crab meat. failure sushi as usual orz but that was my lunch '-' i made breakfast

then i read more pysch.. then i was like i'm sleepy so my friend told me to go sleep so i did. it's that i'm full.. and sleepy kinda feeling ~_~;; so i passed out for like 1-2 hours.. and just think ... i had 12 hours of sleep! THAT IS SO AWESOME LOL cuz at most i get during weekdays is probably 7-8 hours and the least i got.. well like i said before was 3-3.5 hours but that's only like.. once in a lifetime maybe =__=;; my standard is like 4-6 hours during the weekday meek.

man.. i really wana do laundry orz but i don't got time for it. oh reminds me. weather was nice today. i went out for a bit with my new hoodie and brought two bags of chips. my dad ate them last night '_' i was upset cuz i was craving orz

i had steak tonight.

now i go homework. ;D

Yesterday, I had class. I was fortunate that I get to leave at 3 but here's what's happened on my day.

I stayed up late the night before because I was doing my final concept for Emmerick's class and ykno it wasn't that great for the previous few critiques cuz all of my concepts were rejected but it was developing step by step to where it was yesterday. I had the clinque "Crazy like a fox" and I couldn't get it "crazy like a fox," which disappointed me. I mean I kept trying and none of them worked so I was quite depressed over this class critique >_>;; I stayed up to 1-1:30 AM doing the homework and all. I worked extra hard doing the perspective. Actually, I did an outline first with random lines, then I inputed perspective to see how correct I was.. But then when I did as much as I could, and my dad came home. I didn't get how you do the shelves, so I asked him. Turned out my whole perspective was half right and we spent 1 hour and 30 minutes trying to get me to understand what to do. Honestly, I think it was a waste of 1 hour and 30 minutes, but I got the perspective built better and it turned out great. So I can't say that it was allin vain.. Maybe the first 30 minutes cuz it was perspective built on a crapper version. And ykno me. I  have like maybe OCD so I wanted it to be as exact as exact can go. Can't blame me >_>;; I love perspective don't get me wrong. I love lines lol, but it was just.. meek >_>;; I did one perspective everywhere, and I wanted it so exact, anyone would think I have OCD >_>;; But one perspective is easy so meek. Again.. maybe it was a waste of 1 hour and 30 minutes.

After the perspective, I had to figure out each individual chicken's personalities and position. Chickens were also in perspective lol..I have like 11 different chickens all over haha hm.. what else.. oh and i recalled someone mentioned they wanted like feathers flying everywhere, so I drew feathers all over. THAT part was actually fun lawl. After drawing like a ton of feathers, I thought that maybe.. I had OD'ed it, but I was like.. nah.. it looks great lol

So i packed up and went to be at 1:30. Sad to say, I had to wake up by 5 AM >_>;; Bare sleep, but hey, c'est college. My concept was due tomorrow morning at 8 o'clock, sooo >_>;;

I was happy when it was my turn, which was after having our 10-15 minute break, but I had like this.. ugh. jaw pain and headache again. Fucking wisdom tooth =-=;; It still hurts like a motherfucker =-=;; It's like growing in. the one on the upper right. It's like you see the teeth's pointy part growing down but then the middle of the tooth is still gum. So it hurts like a motherfucker =-=;; But it wasn't so much wisdom tooth pain yesterday as it is today.. It was jaw pain. I had an infection on my thing in my chin so lol. I think i have a slanted jaw =\ So my bite is bad. And i got no clue if i grind my teeth at night so ~_~;; And yeah. since I have jaw pain, i get chronic headaches. And i left my medication at home. I mean like.. it's not like omfg i wanna kill myself cuz it hurts but more like a constant pain throbbing ykno >_>;; it really bothers you and u can't really focus focus.. so yeah T_T;; i was like i want my medication i want medication. i need medication. T_T;; i'm always like that. but i realized after taking medication i feel like LIFTED so yeah >_>;; don't blame me lol. constant headaches are a fucker =-=; not to mention.. i took tylenol 500 mg but that shit has no effect =-=; i take it to try and hope it gets better, but it just doesn't.

so, I didn't realize he picked up my concept on the wall cuz I was getting my bag off my chair and then turn around, but somebody called my name so I turned around o-o;; and Then i went up there and my classmates were very nice :D I was very thankful. Danielle was like I love your fox. I love the teeth showing. And mother Megan said she loved my chickens lol. Before the break, she said she was staring at mine a lot. I really made me feel thankful for such nice classmates. I wish i was more expressional and thankful at that moment, but when u get chronic headaches =-=;; Nothing in the world is that nice. But yeah, I stood there and was like shying away cuz apparently 3 people in the corner had coffee =__=;; The smell of coffee makes me nauseous so I was shying away and away. People should've noticed me shifting towards them and away from Emmerick lol. >_>:; But Emmerick didn't slaughter me, so again, very very grateful. He was in one hell of a good mood yesterday, so what can I say. lol. He was really nice and funny and just.. hilarious during the critique. lol. i just love at michelle's critique. he was like "i bet you went FUCK THIS *throws" *slow motion throw* *reeeaaaauhhhh* lawl it was hilarious. cuz fact was michelle did say fuck this and threw her concept lawl. omg =-=;; again as usual.. every critique is like GAWKFUL at Phoenix's work. I swear.. when she does her final piece, Sarah and I are bringing our cameras to ask if we can take a picture of her final.. like.. it was so damn godly in black and white with some midtone grays.. Her first three thumbnail sketches were like godly for a first sketch ykno =_=;; She kept improving it, but then we got all picky at composition like why is that here and this and make this this. And then her third one, there was nothing we could say :T So we just got pickier like make this this and i want that upper lawl. SO SHE DID COLOR. AND ON ADOBE. OMG! AND SHE GOES "This was my first time using photoshop." UNBELIEVABLE =-=;; I'M NOT EVEN JOKING D; either she was born damn talented.. or i duno what =-=;; it was like.. so damn godly =-=; like far away it looked godly, but when u go close up. i felt that her blending could've been beter imo ~_~;; but overall, it was godly. but if she did it with traditional paint, i think it would be better.. i hope she does it with traditional paint cuz her work is most beautiful with traditional. I HOPE SHE HAS AN ONLINE SITE ;[ CUZ THEN I CAN BE LIKE THIS IS MY CLASSMATE ;[ lol.. it's funny how block 2, we like to show off Phoenix like crazy >_>;; her compositions are really too godly =-=;; i'm serious lol

OKAY I WENT OFFTRACK >_>;;

anyways, the critique went well, just wanted few this or that and i was good and i could start color ;D i questioned a bit on what they wanted for color and that was really it. i hope emmerick didn't think i sounded like i didn't give a shit cuz i think i did sound like that.. but hey there's 3 damn coffee stinks surrounding me and i had a headache =-=; and i'm sure if he paid attention enough.. he heard me going i have a headacheee acackchwiehafakj! so yeah =-=;

anyways, my friend and i went to get sushi at the cafeteria and we sat with some friends and we all just talked. i felt like i was a poor student cuz i always do my homework during the weekends cuz i like to feel prepared. she goes yeah me too but she does it the night before until like 3 AM, and she still has the same outcome as me.. makes me upset. it's like saying i'm handling things poorly cuz i do them on my weekends. and like she may have so much free time and she can do these things late or on time or whatever, but really.. not me. i really like to feel prepared beyond prepared. i mean.. like. i didn't prepare for english class and i took the quiz and i got maybe 3/6 right. and that upsets me cuz i know i could've gotten 6/6 and that really pisses myself off T_T;; sighs* T_T;;

anyways after lunch, we split. I had to go to pyschology.. and like.. i hate the fact that i'm always falling asleep in his class. the drift off falling asleep. omg and all we did was take the zimmerman personality test.. and during 260's out of 300 question.. i was already drifting off =-=;; but i still managed to stay up. SO APPARENTLY TO THE ZIMMERMAN PERSONALITY TEST, i am like.. negative all over sobs* lol. the one thing i found that was not so surprising was that well. i'm depressed and that i'm half feminine and half masculine T_T;; not anything new lol. i duno i gotta ask a friend and be like "is this me?" meek. thinking bout pyschology.. i gotta read the book. i'm not notetaking so i'm pretty free. he doesn't really go over the notes like that. maybe at the most, i'll write down the definitions of each vocabulary, but that's really it ^_^;

anyways, it was 2 o'clock and i called jackie cuz I had told the children that I was going to see them on Friday, and Jackie called me like 6 times on Friday night, but my phone was on silent and I was working my ass off last night doing my homework. so, i was rushing to get there. i transferred from the 1 to the A which went to Far Rockaway. It's so weird how to get to her house. It's like u can only take the J or the A train to Ozone park, but if u take a bus or drive to Austin's, ur already near Forest Hills. And i think it's weird cuz u have to go thru brooklyn to get to ozone park, while if u take a u turn, ur already in queens to go back thru manhattan then brooklyn.. it's just WEIRD =-=;; and far away lol. anyways on the A train, the people were weird. and omg =-=; i hate queens cuz.. QUEENS IS ALWAYS COLDER THAN BROOKLYN ;[

i was in a shitty mood because there was like 6 of us.. 5 of us was shoved in the back lol. two sat on laps lawl. i sat in the middle. butler wanted me to sit on someone's lap and i said no =-=; and i was in a shitty mood so u don't tell me what to do then '_' u just don't lol hmm. but yeah. my hands were frozen red when i got to jackie's house cuz i was like argueing with her not to pick me up from the station cuz it's not that hard to get to someone's especially if u know the address ykno ~_~;; so yeah. my hands were red. my phone died so i had to use battery #2 which falls off per second so what can i do. i just left my phone the gay way it was. BROKEN AND OFF for the whole evening.

in the car, janene was trying to take a picture, but first of all, it's not fair that we're all squished in the back and she's just laughing at us in the front. not to mention, she wanted to take a video. how rude =-=; geez.

anyways i decided to move up and sit on the thing in the middle and jackie sat where i was, off butler's lap >_>;;

so we went to this asian cuisine but it was CLOSED cuz it was their lunchbreak at like 3 PM so yeah >_>;; we looked around and most asian places were closed for break.. so we ate thai cuisine. separate checks. the waitress looked korean lol. must be the wayfarers lawl i had soup and one curry puff ;[ i didn't feel confident enough to chew on meat or anything v_v;; i'm serious. it hurts like a motherfucker =-=;; finished eating, and two left. us four went around looking at stuff. jackie brought me a chocolate cup called "chocolate candle" ;D and nadia went to bn and got me two godiva bars. she took two solid milk chocolate and i was like.. no don't get me it and she went up to there and i was like. "at least get me raspberrryyy" lawl lol ;X 

yeah i think it's hilarious this year =___=;; tihs year my chocolate were brought cuz of failures all over it's hilarious lol.. mata was supposed to MAKE me chocolate strawberries from godiva chocolate and like.. she was cooking the chocolate =-=;; she put it on medium fire and then walked away and she smelt burn =_=;; then there's janene. i tho she had somethign for me. she had oreos and she put frosting on the top like with hearts and stuff.. then by the time she got to jackie's house.. it was one moshed up oreo lawl THEN JACKIE LOL she baked me brownies and like i said i was coming. so she wanted it warm, so she went to heat it up in the microwave. and IT EXPLODED LOOL omgg i couldn't stop laughing lol. then nadia =-=; she had cookies for me '-' but someone ate all of them orz so yeah all my loves fail this year ;-; at least i didn't fail ;-; i gotta like.. figure out what to buy them for white's day. nothing big cuz the chocolates i got wasn't big but meek :D  i already have someting figured ;D

so yeah. we just walked around, then i stole janene and took her to FIT so i can get my stuff and we went to Korea town.. looked at the menus at the bunch of korean bbqs there cuz they just so fancy ;D and yeah. we walked down and went inside the korean supermarket lol. i was like i need crab meat and avocado for sushi making '-' but damn the korean supermarket was so damn small, had to squish aroudn to get to places =-=;; even i had to squish around. sad sad sad. lol hmm. well yeah i was like TUNA  *stares at a piece of tuna* and she goes that piece of tuna is exp lol i was like where Oh god >_>;; it was like $22 for that damn piece of tuna lawl. but yeah :D we got food lawl i got banana flavored chips! lawl and oh ;o seung ri's strong baby was playing so i was all ooo~~ strong baby~~ at janene lol started to sing a bit but i got a little conscious cuz ykno. i duno korean '-' and these people do. so i didn't wanna sound all LAWL but yeah i went up to pay and then i was playing Sunset Glow :o and i was likeee :OoooOOooo! and yeah when g.d. goes "gee ma~" i was like "gee ma~~" lawl and the lady at the front giggled at me. and she started to sing too ;D but the song is awesome so :D i didn't wanna leave the store cuz it was big bang '_' but yeah we went to pinkberry. it was her first but it was my like.. i duno.. 6th? lawl i duno :T then we left and took the F train home ;D we just talked bout life on the train. it was good tho :D she got home on time or earlier or so.

surprisingly.. i tho i never told janene much bout my love life, but she knows. and knows pretty well ~_~;;

i called my mom when the train went out of the tunnel and i asked her to pick me up cuz i didn't wanna carry my huge bag of crap home. so she picked me up. and said that ur dad is angry cuz ur phone was off. >_>;; he was home all day and was like IT'S 3 O'CLOCK SHE SHUD BE OUT OF SCHOOL. WHERE IS SHE . WHAT SHE DOING YAH YAHYHA = -=; geez. lol well when i came home, i didn't get a screaming fest. at most he was like. ur fone is off. EXCUSES. next time call cuz it's 9 o'clock. and i was like i did call '_' i called mom to pick me up lawl but yeah T_T;; geez it's friday =-=; leave me alone =-=; but yeah he was like WHAT U WENT TO WHAT U DO and i was like. i went to eat dinner with the kids see i got chocolate lol i pulled out like three bags of chocolate =-=; lol enough proof isn't it =-=; like i realy need to but whatever ;D

anyways i came home all tired and it was like 10:30 and i wa on the computer.. and all of the sudden.. i dun remember and it was this morning o-o; i passed out >_>;; i was waiting for umo but he didn't reply.. so i gyess. i passed out T_T;

anyways that's all :D

Sooo yeah :D I finally got a LJ! ;D
I don't know what to really do with it .-.;;
I guess I'll write with it from time to time..
Maybe post some of my art works from time to time too ~_~;; Let's see how lazy I get first haha.